songs from my closet

my phone is a fucking burning ember in my pocket.

//
i am
\\
DONE
//
with living
//
in a
\\
fantasy world.
//
It has gotten old.
\\
And is no longer appreciated.
//
Thanks for helping me out when I needed you, other world.
\\
Time to get my head out of the clouds and face things as they are.
//


d.

today started a new and exciting thing for me: simplifying my life. and what's weird, is that in order for me to simplify, i have to pick up simple things to replace my complex ones. for example, i have about a bazillion backpacks (sac a dos en francais). wouldn't it be so much cooler if we called a backpack, a sac a dos? i think so. anywho. i got one of those trendy incase backpacks today, in a dashing muted green that reminds me of rain boots. it's absolutely fabulous (i loved that show on bbc). now the reason i chose that particular backpack is because its very slim, even though you can put loads of stuff in it. AND most importantly, it has a faux fur lining for my mac and phone and a ipad (if i had one). it was overpriced, yes. but hey, i guess i'm simplifying my wallet too, but getting rid of money. haha.
//
i'm going to sell and donate a lot of stuff soon. i am tired of having things i don't need. i want to have one of everything, not seven. i'm hoping that this will make me appreciate what i have more. for example, i won't be getting an ipod like i've wanted, because i have massive storage on my iphone and it would be a mega waste. i also decided against the super mad hip paul rodriguez incase skate pack because...ding ding ding (!!!), i don't skate. and yes, i would have looked a bit foolish. i'm also not getting an ipad. i don't need to live in a virtual world anymore than i already do. i want to use my headphones less, and listen to real sounds more. sounds created by physical vibrations in the current world...not in a studio.
\\
one thing that i do look forward to getting soon is a new calender. i have a surfing calender right now, and it is pretty stellar. i wonder if nme.com makes calenders or perhaps and icelandic calender? who knows.
//
thanks for reading.
\\


dillydally.

it's true. i think people can mind read. it's kind of sad. i have whole conversations in my head with people, and then look up and realize that they're still standing there with no clue. if they could just read my mind, i'd be free of a lot of stress.
//
i think that when a person is thinking something exciting, they shouldn't hold it in all the time. because that will turn them into play-dough ice cubes (and not the cool kind with the holes in the middle).
\\
that's it.
//
go listen to matt & kim. it will make you feel better.
\\

d.

FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
IT'S SO HARD, NOT TO SAY.




fuck.

\\
i am enjoying the cold weather for one reason, and one reason only: i get to layer. it makes me more boxy, and have less curves, and appear more boyish. other than that, it totally blows. mainly due to the fact that it makes everyone slow down a few beats. people around me seem to trudge through each moment as though they are polar bears swimming through spinach. (just had that image in my head).
//
my weekend was.............dismal. i went home. which usually isn't great, and was particularly bad. i was shocked to be referred to as 'she' or 'her.' mainly because i don't feel like that at all. i think i'm made massive strides in my mental and emotional transition.
\\
in other news, i've been listening to some pretty killa tuneage lately. i'm trying out some jurassic 5, which is far from sucking. as well as matthew dear, which is higher on the sucking scale.
//
i'm looking at new majors at school. it's about time i find one. right now, i'm pretty set on electronic production and design. my school's website says this about the major:
[
The student majoring in Electronic Production and Design will master the musical and creative use of electronic production and sound design tools and technologies. Working in professional-level 5.1-equipped studios, classroom/labs, and performance spaces, students will study electronic composition/production, synthesizer programming, sound design techniques, interactive performance systems, digital signal processing, audio programming, alternate controllers, music with integrated visuals, and more.
]
i dunno about you, but that sounds pretty fucking awesome to me. since i missed the deadline for the application for the spring, i'll have to apply in a few months for the summer/fall semesters.
\\
well that's what's up with this kid. peace out playaaaas.
//

dylan.

On a silver river
You illuminate the whole world and blue eyes
Cut the starry sky
I make a wish and close my eyes
Yes do that, now begins the story
Oh no

At lightspeed
Inside a heart explodes, an airplane crash
Down on the earth sings
I make a wish and close my eyes
Yes do that, a silly dance
All is forgotten in very little time and yet begins
Open eyes
Oh no

My best friend no matter whatever happens
I swallow tears and breathe hair
A bad break, we cry in each other arms
When we meet
The lips burning, we hold hands
I see you wake
Inside me a lunatic sings
Always rushing, we run quickly
Everything becomes smaller
I scream louder
I'm with a shell, going away

SIGUR ROS

-- dyl.

who said you have to wait for T to start getting weird bumps in your arms? not i.
/
this is a little bit from sigur ros', hoppipolla:
Smiling
Spinning 'round and 'round
Holding hands
The whole world a blur
But you are standing

Soaked
Completely drenched
No rubber boots
Running in us
Want to erupt from a shell.
\

thank you.

dylan.

if anyone, ever, reads this, they should totally comment on it. somewhere. so that i know that i am not typing this for nothing.

\\
in a haze, a stormy haze,
i'll be 'round, i'll be loving you always, always.
here i am, and i'll take my time,
here i am, and i'll wait in line always, always.

-- coldplay, parachutes

//

dylan

another fucking week ahead.
/
i just want to sleep. and sleep and sleep.
\
i really hate saying this. i honestly do. it makes me nauseous to think of saying it. but, i think i'd be dead if i didn't have music to listen to. but that's not what i want to talk about.
/
what i want to talk about is this: how long can a person bear to stay quiet? how long can i stand to be mute to what i am thinking?
\
i want it to be christmas. and i want to be a boy on the outside with my family all around me. the funny thing is that i just this second realized something: i always had a hard time calling myself "gay" or a "lesbian" because i was never one. instead i was always a straight boy. that's so fucking mindblowing to me. it really is. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. i'm a boy. oh my god. i'm not a girl. i'm not a girl. maybe this is why i've always felt so uncomfortable. all the time.
/

d.

I FOUGHT THE WAR, I FOUGHT THE WAR, BUT THE WAR WON'T STOP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
I FOUGHT THE WAR, I FOUGHT THE WAR, BUT THE WAR WON!
//
Everyone needs a little Metric now and then, isn't that true? today has been one of those pointless days that probably wouldn't have changed had i not existed. but that's enough of that.
\\
i was just looking at some old pictures i have on my comp, and let me tell you, i look like a completely (!!!) different person. i don't even think it has to do with cutting off my hair. maybe realizing that i'm a boy has somehow changed what i look like...ok fine, wishful thinking.
//
i'm really looking forward to thanksgiving. for whatever reason, i want to see if any of my extended family picks up on my trans-ness. i'm going to try as fucking hard as possible to wear a binder the entire time, but i know that my mom might cry or something.
\\
on tuesday, i have my first gender therapy appointment. i'm rather goddamn fucking excited for it. it could either go really well, or really...well i don't want to think about that. i hope that the therapist takes me seriously. because i don't think many people do.
//
i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about this: i've found myself looking at guys a ton. and it's not because i want to kiss them or whatever (that's definitely not it). i think it's because i want to be them. i want to look like them. i want to have their walk. their voice timbre. their bone structure. their jeans, AND genes. ha. i envy them so much. i want to be stealth, and a nonchalant stealth. i want to stand up, pull up my jeans and boxers, swing my backpack onto one shoulder, and walk.
\\
i've also been doing some heavy thinking about surgery. yesterday was the first day that i went into a men's bathroom, that wasn't single occupancy. it was fucking empowering. there was a massive line for the women's bathroom, and i just walked by it and went into the men's. when i came out, nobody gave me a second glance...maybe it was the tie. i've heard that it's better to be on T for a while before getting top surgery, because T helps to redistribute your fat, and would therefore change the shape of your top half. also, bottom surgery for me is always going to be a no, mainly since i'm terrified of it. not the surgery, but the result. i've always been terrified of it. do you think that makes me not a man? or a fucking fake man? i mean, you don't need one to be a man, that's for sure. but i worry that since i would never consider getting one, that it makes me a fake. i seriously stay awake for hours thinking about that.
//
//
well for your new music, i think you should try to track down and listen to Matt & Kim's new album, Sidewalks (it's not released yet). Specifically, the song "good for great." it's super catchy. i think i've listened to it 22 times today.
\\
i'll be back if something exciting happens.
//

Dylan

i'm listening to the new Matt & Kim album, Sidewalks.
it's holy fucktastic.
so good.
so very good.
maybe i'm just really into electronic/synth/indie/wanna-be-hip-hop lately?
dunno
.


D

i give myself two days to feel better, or i'll drive right off a cliff. because if i can't make myself feel better, how can i expect anyone else to give a shit? -- bright eyes
//
//
ah yes. conor oberst. got it right, again. let's just put it this way: this blog is a way for me to track myself. the chance that anyone is actually reading this is so slim, that a small enough number doesn't exist.
\\
anywho, i'll write an update nonetheless. i've been having one hell of a hard time. with everything. everything = housing, money, school, friends, family, urges...blahblahblah. in terms of housing, i need to get out of where i'm living right now...i just don't feel safe. with money, i kinda spent too much and now i'm slightly screwed until i get more money on wednesday. with school, i'm basically going to talk about it directly in terms of my major audition, which i sunk. friends. oh friends. let's just say that i need one of those outside of where i'm living. family. where should i begin?? and lastly, urges. these haven't been around for a while. but jeeeeez are they back.
//
i wish my college was in a small town in vermont or maine or wisconsin or some place like that. away from all of this city crap.
\\
i haven't listened to bright eyes in a long time. so that should at least give you one last thought on how i'm doing. OH. and brand new. i've been listening to brand new nonstop, too. woo hoo.
//

dylan.

today. was amazingly wonderful. on a whim, i went to a trans friendly med clinic and was actually seen in a half hour. i told them all about my medical history, like having a pulmonary embolism this summer and being on blood thinners. even after all of that, they said that i could still start taking testosterone soon. HELLZ YES. i'm really stoked.
//
actually i'm hella nervous about it. my parents definitely aren't approving of it. so that's going to be tough. i'm also worried about it being the right choice. i'm worried that i'm glamorizing it. i don't want to make the wrong choice. i don't want to be 25 and realize that i should have stayed as a girl. it's not like i'm in a rush to get T. i'm just so uncomfortable with my body as it is and it's unbearable. or am i just tricking myself into thinking that it's the right thing for me because i'm so attracted to the idea of transitioning. but i'm kinda confused as to why something so would be glamorous to me or anyone. maybe it's because i'm just not comfortable in my gender. which is absolutely true. i am never, to this moment, wearing a dress or skirt or makeup ever again.
\\
i've never been so consumed in thought with something as i am with this. i guess because being transgendered is such a mountainous thought to me. it goes against everything i've been taught in my life. i've always learned to do the best with what i have. and if that's not good enough, then earn something better. and in that school of thought, my body is fine as it is. i have no physical problems or mental ones. so fuck this, is what my parents are thinking. meaning, fuck becoming a man.
//
i'm sick of living for them. or having them decide everything that i do in my life. tomorrow is a new day.
\\
i can't fucking wait to start T.


D.

hey there, dawgs and kats.
\
i'm writing this blog for you, in meticulous detail, so that you can hear about the haps' in my mundane daily life.
/
hopefully i'll be able to teach you a thing or two about being queer/trans/learning to be a boy. and maybe you can tell me a thing or two about that too.
\
i also hope to share with you some killer tuneage, like good beats and your occasional mashup.
/
for today, i think you should start listening to Philip Selway's (the drummer from Radiohead) new solo album. it's hella good, so give it a listen.

D.