songs from my closet

I FOUGHT THE WAR, I FOUGHT THE WAR, BUT THE WAR WON'T STOP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
I FOUGHT THE WAR, I FOUGHT THE WAR, BUT THE WAR WON!
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Everyone needs a little Metric now and then, isn't that true? today has been one of those pointless days that probably wouldn't have changed had i not existed. but that's enough of that.
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i was just looking at some old pictures i have on my comp, and let me tell you, i look like a completely (!!!) different person. i don't even think it has to do with cutting off my hair. maybe realizing that i'm a boy has somehow changed what i look like...ok fine, wishful thinking.
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i'm really looking forward to thanksgiving. for whatever reason, i want to see if any of my extended family picks up on my trans-ness. i'm going to try as fucking hard as possible to wear a binder the entire time, but i know that my mom might cry or something.
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on tuesday, i have my first gender therapy appointment. i'm rather goddamn fucking excited for it. it could either go really well, or really...well i don't want to think about that. i hope that the therapist takes me seriously. because i don't think many people do.
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i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about this: i've found myself looking at guys a ton. and it's not because i want to kiss them or whatever (that's definitely not it). i think it's because i want to be them. i want to look like them. i want to have their walk. their voice timbre. their bone structure. their jeans, AND genes. ha. i envy them so much. i want to be stealth, and a nonchalant stealth. i want to stand up, pull up my jeans and boxers, swing my backpack onto one shoulder, and walk.
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i've also been doing some heavy thinking about surgery. yesterday was the first day that i went into a men's bathroom, that wasn't single occupancy. it was fucking empowering. there was a massive line for the women's bathroom, and i just walked by it and went into the men's. when i came out, nobody gave me a second glance...maybe it was the tie. i've heard that it's better to be on T for a while before getting top surgery, because T helps to redistribute your fat, and would therefore change the shape of your top half. also, bottom surgery for me is always going to be a no, mainly since i'm terrified of it. not the surgery, but the result. i've always been terrified of it. do you think that makes me not a man? or a fucking fake man? i mean, you don't need one to be a man, that's for sure. but i worry that since i would never consider getting one, that it makes me a fake. i seriously stay awake for hours thinking about that.
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well for your new music, i think you should try to track down and listen to Matt & Kim's new album, Sidewalks (it's not released yet). Specifically, the song "good for great." it's super catchy. i think i've listened to it 22 times today.
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i'll be back if something exciting happens.
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Dylan