songs from my closet

if anyone, ever, reads this, they should totally comment on it. somewhere. so that i know that i am not typing this for nothing.

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in a haze, a stormy haze,
i'll be 'round, i'll be loving you always, always.
here i am, and i'll take my time,
here i am, and i'll wait in line always, always.

-- coldplay, parachutes

//

dylan

another fucking week ahead.
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i just want to sleep. and sleep and sleep.
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i really hate saying this. i honestly do. it makes me nauseous to think of saying it. but, i think i'd be dead if i didn't have music to listen to. but that's not what i want to talk about.
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what i want to talk about is this: how long can a person bear to stay quiet? how long can i stand to be mute to what i am thinking?
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i want it to be christmas. and i want to be a boy on the outside with my family all around me. the funny thing is that i just this second realized something: i always had a hard time calling myself "gay" or a "lesbian" because i was never one. instead i was always a straight boy. that's so fucking mindblowing to me. it really is. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. i'm a boy. oh my god. i'm not a girl. i'm not a girl. maybe this is why i've always felt so uncomfortable. all the time.
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d.

I FOUGHT THE WAR, I FOUGHT THE WAR, BUT THE WAR WON'T STOP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
I FOUGHT THE WAR, I FOUGHT THE WAR, BUT THE WAR WON!
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Everyone needs a little Metric now and then, isn't that true? today has been one of those pointless days that probably wouldn't have changed had i not existed. but that's enough of that.
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i was just looking at some old pictures i have on my comp, and let me tell you, i look like a completely (!!!) different person. i don't even think it has to do with cutting off my hair. maybe realizing that i'm a boy has somehow changed what i look like...ok fine, wishful thinking.
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i'm really looking forward to thanksgiving. for whatever reason, i want to see if any of my extended family picks up on my trans-ness. i'm going to try as fucking hard as possible to wear a binder the entire time, but i know that my mom might cry or something.
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on tuesday, i have my first gender therapy appointment. i'm rather goddamn fucking excited for it. it could either go really well, or really...well i don't want to think about that. i hope that the therapist takes me seriously. because i don't think many people do.
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i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about this: i've found myself looking at guys a ton. and it's not because i want to kiss them or whatever (that's definitely not it). i think it's because i want to be them. i want to look like them. i want to have their walk. their voice timbre. their bone structure. their jeans, AND genes. ha. i envy them so much. i want to be stealth, and a nonchalant stealth. i want to stand up, pull up my jeans and boxers, swing my backpack onto one shoulder, and walk.
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i've also been doing some heavy thinking about surgery. yesterday was the first day that i went into a men's bathroom, that wasn't single occupancy. it was fucking empowering. there was a massive line for the women's bathroom, and i just walked by it and went into the men's. when i came out, nobody gave me a second glance...maybe it was the tie. i've heard that it's better to be on T for a while before getting top surgery, because T helps to redistribute your fat, and would therefore change the shape of your top half. also, bottom surgery for me is always going to be a no, mainly since i'm terrified of it. not the surgery, but the result. i've always been terrified of it. do you think that makes me not a man? or a fucking fake man? i mean, you don't need one to be a man, that's for sure. but i worry that since i would never consider getting one, that it makes me a fake. i seriously stay awake for hours thinking about that.
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well for your new music, i think you should try to track down and listen to Matt & Kim's new album, Sidewalks (it's not released yet). Specifically, the song "good for great." it's super catchy. i think i've listened to it 22 times today.
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i'll be back if something exciting happens.
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Dylan

i'm listening to the new Matt & Kim album, Sidewalks.
it's holy fucktastic.
so good.
so very good.
maybe i'm just really into electronic/synth/indie/wanna-be-hip-hop lately?
dunno
.


D

i give myself two days to feel better, or i'll drive right off a cliff. because if i can't make myself feel better, how can i expect anyone else to give a shit? -- bright eyes
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ah yes. conor oberst. got it right, again. let's just put it this way: this blog is a way for me to track myself. the chance that anyone is actually reading this is so slim, that a small enough number doesn't exist.
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anywho, i'll write an update nonetheless. i've been having one hell of a hard time. with everything. everything = housing, money, school, friends, family, urges...blahblahblah. in terms of housing, i need to get out of where i'm living right now...i just don't feel safe. with money, i kinda spent too much and now i'm slightly screwed until i get more money on wednesday. with school, i'm basically going to talk about it directly in terms of my major audition, which i sunk. friends. oh friends. let's just say that i need one of those outside of where i'm living. family. where should i begin?? and lastly, urges. these haven't been around for a while. but jeeeeez are they back.
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i wish my college was in a small town in vermont or maine or wisconsin or some place like that. away from all of this city crap.
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i haven't listened to bright eyes in a long time. so that should at least give you one last thought on how i'm doing. OH. and brand new. i've been listening to brand new nonstop, too. woo hoo.
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dylan.